


How would you live in a world without him?

by Neriel



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Character Death, Coping, F/M, Female Reader, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Partner's death coping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24590710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neriel/pseuds/Neriel
Summary: Please read the tags!!! It is important!I don’t want to upset anyone unintentionally. Read only if you are ok with death coping.Takes place after episode Ignis alternative finale. Ignis is not blind and Noctis survives.In the final battle Ignis dies and now his wife has to resume her life. Others try to comfort her in their own way.
Relationships: Ignis Scientia/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	How would you live in a world without him?

**Author's Note:**

> It is a very depressing piece and I described some of my experience in it, though for me it was not a partner but a family member.

The sun was rising. They succeeded. They were coming home. You ran to the Citadel. At some point you saw them. Your eyes were sore from the sunlight and you had to blink several times, putting your hand to the eyes to  _ see _ them. Three of them. Your heart stopped for a second. Three of them and only one tall figure. Tall and broad figure. You ran closer. At some point they noticed you and stopped like they couldn’t make another move. Your gaze ran through their faces. Prompto, Noctis, Gladio. Prompto, Noctis, Gladio. Prompto, Gladio, Noctis. Gladio, Noctis, Prompto. Noctis! Prompto! Gladio!

When you were close you asked.

“Where is Ignis?” 

Nobody answered for half of a second and you screamed already knowing the answer.

“WHERE IS IGNIS?????”

Prompto made a step back, Noctis opened his mouth to speak, but it was Gladio who broke the silence. 

“Ignis is not coming, hon.”

In one quick move he was holding you while you were crying, screaming, kicking, biting. Through your hysteria you heard Noctis mumbling something about Ardyn making the last move behind their backs and Ignis putting himself between Noctis and the danger and that it was quick and he didn’t suffer, until Gladio barked at him to shut up. Gladio held you until all forces left you and at some point you were blessed with being unconscious. 

And now you were in your apartment. Several hours back it was yours and his and now it is only yours. 

You hated being here with every detail being about him. There he stood near the sink when he cooked, here he sat when he was taking his morning coffee, there was a coffee table he liked to put his legs on and it took you years literally to convince him it was ok. On that spot he kissed you and then you went to bed together. 

It was a torture being inside. It was a torture being outside, with this fucking sun he fought to bring back to the world and people celebrating. You remember a song, it went something like “I cannot forgive people who can live in a world without you”. You felt every word of it. 

Yesterday you were a wife, beloved, darling, honey, now there was only one word for you -  **_a widow_ ** . That’s what you were called. Not the first and definitely not the last in the world but what difference did it make. You were alone. No more laughter, kisses, jokes, hugs. No telling him how your day was. No advice, no comfort when you needed one. Nothing but emptiness inside. There was no other person you could or wanted to ask those things from.

You sat on the couch with eyes closed and there were times you could almost feel his hand on your shoulder. Almost. Almost…

When you went to sleep first night you spoke addressing him, asking to come to you in a dream. To let you see him one last time. But he never came. Not at first. But if only you knew that for many years he would come in your dreams telling you it was all a mistake and he’ll stay with you from now on, that you would wake up and had to define the reality around you over and over again. If you only knew what a torture it would be knowing this was a dream, you would never have asked for this. 

People came and went. Prompto tried to cheer you up, Gladio checked whether you ate, Iris hugged you twenty times in ten minutes. But Noctis never came. And you didn’t mind. You were afraid you would claw out the eyes of your king. Or worse. In the darkest moments you wished it would have been someone else. Like Prompto. Or Gladio. Or  _ Noctis!  _ Then Ignis would be terribly grieving but you would find a way to comfort him. Of course you would. You would hold him in your arms and whisper words in his ear. Or you would let him be alone but secretly checked on him until he was ready to talk. Or… it didn’t matter. It was bad to wish death to people, to your friends. It was not their fault he was so loyal. It was his decision and not their fault. But it hurt like hell. 

You hated when people talked to you about him. You hated when people didn’t talk to you about him. 

You hated the manner to add the word “late” to the name. Late Ignis Scientia. He’s not late, you idiots! He is marvelous, and smart, and elegant, and loving, and caring. There are hundreds of words for him, “late” should not be one of them. But it was. And there was no way out of this. Not now, not ever. 

You ate a little, slept a little, lived a little. You changed nothing in the apartment only now you drank from his cup. And nobody else was allowed to touch it. 

One day Prompto was at your doorstep. You were at the point when you didn’t mind a little company. He brought you flowers and a box of chocolate. Weird. But now people did crazy things to cheer you up. He seemed oddly nervous, you were able to have a bit of empathy already. You offered him tea.

“What is eating you, Prom?” You asked when you turned away from him to pour hot water to the pot. When you turned back you saw him standing on one knee before you with a small box in his hands and a ring in it. 

“Marry me!”

You stared at him. Definitely you didn't know how to react and laughter was obviously not a good choice. The flowers and sweets suddenly made sense. He was playing by the book. You managed to mumble “Why??” and then he got all red with embarrassment. 

“You know, Iggy kinda asked me to take care of you if anything happens to him. So I figured I can marry you. You don’t have to be lonely, I can provide for you and support you. We don’t have to do that thing people do in marriage but I would be protecting you with everything I have.”

You gasped. That was so...him. Asking to take care of you. Thinking in advance. You pulled Prompto by the arms to make him stand to his feet.

“Prompto, you’re thirty and you cannot say the word “sex” aloud?”

He turned even more red if it was possible. 

“Sorry. I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want. It just feels like the right thing to do”

You kissed him in the cheek. 

“Thank you, it is very sweet of you. But I cannot marry you. And you shouldn’t do it for these reasons. Don’t you have someone whom you like?”

“Ah, yes.. and no.. not really.”

“Prompto, you’re a good friend. Thank you. I always enjoy your company and you are always welcomed here, but marriage is out of the question. Let’s pretend it never happened and be good pals like in the good old days?”

He nodded and you heard an almost inaudible sigh of relief from him. He didn’t stay for long, too embarrassed to maintain a proper conversation. 

After he left you took some time to reflect on what just happened. Ignis thought about you, entrusting his friend to take care of you. It was so sweet and absolutely heartbreaking. Once again you fell asleep in tears. 

The next few days brought you Gladio. You didn’t tell him about Prompto, not wishing to make things awkward for him. Gladio carefully asked you how you were doing, what you were actually doing during the day, what you ate, how much water you drank, even how often you took a bath. You answered obediently, knowing that behind those questions was a real worry for you. You were by the same kitchen spot pouring hot water to the same pot when you heard him clear the throat and then he spoke from behind. 

“I know that not much time has passed, but you are burying yourself in grief. You don’t leave the apartment, you barely eat, you torture yourself over and over again. This is not what he would have wanted. I am sure he would have wanted you to live and enjoy life, the sun, the work, friends, maybe another romance. With someone who can understand. I know I cannot replace him, but he asked  **me** to take care of you, so we can...”

You didn’t give him the time to finish the sentence as the empty mug you were holding was thrown at him.  _ Not Ignis’s mug, of course.  _

_ “ _ What a hell..”he growled but you again didn’t give him a chance. You were throwing everything you had under your hands.  _ Except for the mug obviously.  _ But there were plates, spoons, forks, spatulas, pots, frying pans, caps, just everything. Each item you accompanied with a word. “How. Dare. You. Say. That. He. Was. Your. Friend. You. Dined. With. Us. How. Can. You. Ask. Such. Things. I. Hate. You.” Soon the living room was a disaster but Gladio managed to dodge everything. There were nothing left but knives and you threw them too, one by one, not feeling that you cut yourself in the process. 

“That’s enough” he finally said and he was near you very quickly, pressing two fingers at some spot of your neck and then you woke up in your bed. 

You were in your clothes, but covered with a blanket, the cuts on your hands patched and the trails of tears were washed from your face. You took your phone and saw that you had a voicemail from Gladio. You played it.

“Hey, hon, sorry about that. Your feelings are perfectly understandable, nothing to be ashamed of. No hard feelings from my side. I cleaned the room and ordered you some new plates. Give me a call anytime you like, I am there for you.”

You went to see the room and it was cleaner than it ever was since….

Gladio cleaned the floor and dusted the shelves and even made you a sandwich for breakfast. You felt truly ashamed of your reaction. He may have approached you with more subtlety but you being on edge after Prompto was not his fault. You never thought about them actually. You were not the only one in pain, they lost their friend too, but they didn’t complain and did their best to help you. And look how ungrateful you’ve been. 

You heard the knock at the door and wondered whether these were the plates already. You opened the door and saw a glaive you briefly acquainted. 

He cleared the throat. 

“King Noctis asks you to do him an honor and visit him in the Citadel. He is sorry he couldn’t come himself but he is very busy. He hopes you would find the time for his request.” 

Oh. Dangerous. But most of your anger left you after the episode with Gladio. You thought the king might be out of danger in your presence. So you nodded and asked for a couple of minutes to change.

You were driven to Citadel in a fancy car and escorted to the door of what was supposed to be king’s office. You knocked and entered when you were allowed to.

“Your majesty” were your first words.

He stood up from the desk and made all the way to you. 

“Please, call me Noct. There shouldn’t be any formalities between us. Thank you for coming and I must apologize for not initiating our meeting earlier, but I was told that you were better left untouched for some time”

You pulled a faint smile.

“Have you rehearsed that?”

He grinned sadly. 

“Actually I have. Sorry, the true reason is that I was afraid to face you. I feel so guilty.”

He took your hand and led you to the window where he leaned on the windowsill. You looked at him and couldn’t find the evil monarch who, you imagined, was thriving on your husband’s death. He looked lost. He was lost. Perhaps even just as lost as you were. 

“How can I be of service, Noct?”

He sighed. And he still held your hand in his. 

“First of all I want to thank you. That you were near Specs all these years. I learned that he was very happy with you and I am happy that he had someone by his side.”

You swallowed and you felt tears coming to your eyes. Again. The timing is never perfect when it happens all the time. 

“Also I wanted to let you know that I am planning to put a statue in his honor and I want you to help me with that, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, that’s very kind of you. I will gladly assist” that was all you could say. A statue. Just perfect. Stoned and cold instead of warm and alive. The deal of the century. 

“There is one more thing… I don’t know exactly how to put it…”

He was rather confident before but suddenly he stopped making eye contact, turned his head and obviously was struggling with next words. So you spoke. 

“Let me guess. Ignis asked you to take care of me?”

Noctis still didn’t speak, a silent question hung in the air and you continued.

“Apparently he asked all three of you separately. Prompto and Gladio have already come to me, proposing. Can you imagine?”

There was another silent pause from him and then Noctis managed to look you in the eyes.

“Surely, being the queen of Lucis beats other options.” 

Oh boy...

“You can’t be serious! What would people say??”

“I don’t care. I am the king and I wouldn’t be one if it weren’t for Ignis. So it is natural I take care of his...”

**_Widow_ **

“...loved one. It will not happen tomorrow, if you accept me it will take months for preparations and for us to know each other better.”

You started sobbing, all the walls down. Noct had a strange effect on you. You wanted to talk to him. 

“I miss him so much.”

“I do too, all the time. And Luna and my father, but Specs most of all”

“He missed you too. Sometimes he had that look, the deepest sorrow in the world. I wonder if he felt like we are feeling now? And never said a word, never been a mess like I am. But he had hope for your return. We don’t have any. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine him walking in the room, telling me it was all just a test and it wasn’t for real. But he’s not that cruel, putting me through this”

“I am sorry, but it is for real, no mistake, I saw it. I am sorry.”

You continued as if you haven’t heard him. You were finally talking about Ignis the way you wanted, not the way others wanted you to.

“He never could tell a story from his life without you in it. They always started with “one time Noct and I were going..” or “it reminds me of the time I tried to make Noct to do something”. And always smiled. He liked to talk about you. Your lives were so intertwined. It is weird how much I know about you without ever meeting you before. Even the embarrassing ones.” You ran a hand through the man's hair “I even know when you lost your virginity.”

Noctis blushed to the roots of the hair.

“How could he...Why would he...oh, Specs…”

Your lips parted in a faint smile which faded quickly and you started crying heavily, mumbling everything that came to your mind. 

“I don’t want any of it, nothing, I just want him back, I want my life back, I want my husband, my Ignis..”

Noctis pulled you to his chest, holding tightly and you fell wet streams on the top of your head. He was crying too. You both lost yourselves in your mourning, holding each other, crying and weeping until there was nothing left. You found strange comfort in this hug. You wanted to be held when you cried. When the stream of tears stopped Noct went for tissues for both of you. He was also holding an envelope. 

“He asked me to give you this. I assumed you would want to read it immediately, so I took liberty in preparing a guest room for you, with tea and snacks where you can spend the night and be sure of privacy.”

You took the precious piece of paper with trembling hands. 

“You’ve sounded just like him”

“Well I guess I picked up a little something along the way. But unfortunately I am not him.”

You raised your eyes and smiled at your king warmly.

“Thank you, Noct”

You were escorted to your room and there you’ve been sitting for ten minutes already staring at the envelope, couldn’t find the strength in you to open it. Like all the things now, it would extremely hurt to read, and not to read as well. 

Finally you opened and saw several sheets of paper covered in his neat handwriting. You thought you could cry no more but you started again before you even began to read.

_ My love, _

_ I am so sorry that you are reading this.  _

_ I want to avoid cliches but your reading this means that I failed you and I am not by your side to speak to you in person. These words are the only bridge left between us and I am deeply in pain for everything you are through now.  _

_ I want you to know how happy my life was with you in it. Every minute and every second with you were precious to me.  _

_ All those years I didn’t need the sunlight because you were the light of my life. You will remain the light of my life till my final breath.  _

_ Maybe in time you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have been here for you but I am not. I am so sorry, darling. Words cannot express how I feel for you and how you must suffer right now. Please let everyone help you in any way they can. Allow yourself to breathe again.  _

_ You are so wonderful, you have so much life and joy and love in you, please don’t let it be wasted. _

_ I know you cannot imagine another man by your side, but I cannot bear the thought of you being alone, in the cold apartment, broken. You were born to give love and to be loved. I know you wanted a home and kids, don’t deny yourself of these. Please take your time but don’t put a cross on your life, let yourself be happy. _

_ You are in my thoughts forever.  _

_ I love you! _

_ Ignis _

You read this letter so many times you could tell it by heart. You cried very loudly never caring that you could be heard. Why couldn’t he be there with you, why were you alone in this, why, why, why?? Why did he have to be so caring to write a letter, to speak with friends but not caring enough to survive???? You hated your life. Finally you were gone in a heavy sleep without even removing your clothes. 

You woke up from the warm feeling of the sun on your face. Pleasant as a gentle kiss. And the first thing you did was to take your phone and choose a name from the list of contacts. You just knew it would be there. When the man on the other side picked up, you put all your courage in the next three words. 

“Noct….I accept”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to add a Harry Pottery scene in the end, with them being happy together and raising their son Ignis Lucis Caelum but couldn’t find it in me yet. Just know that it will happen to them eventually. 
> 
> I am sorry again for all the pain. I had this idea and couldn’t take it out of my system another way.  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
